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In No Way Delighted

By Sophie Kearing-

 

We’re ready to tell you the story of The Americano. We call him that because morning, noon, and night he can be found drinking diluted espresso. We’d normally overlook this embarrassing detail about him, but he’s also the least-liked resident in this building: a loud neighbor who “forgets” to tip delivery people and pretends he doesn’t see you carrying in groceries so he doesn’t have to hold the door open for you. Yup, Americano drinkers are assholes; this is a fact that’s been proven by several longitudinal studies. But please know that, cockbag as The Americano is, we are in no way delighted by his plight, the details of which we will now divulge.


One day he took his Americano habit too far. In a jittery haze, he slipped on a banana peel and fell ass-over-teakettle down the gray concrete steps—head… feet… head… feet… head… ass—and came to a somehow bloodless but nonetheless life-altering heap on the floor from which he stood—dizzy, befuddled, and absolutely divorced from the he that he was prior to his encounter with the banana peel—thought My god, what am I doing here?, rushed to the airport, and boarded a plane to Antarctica, where in the most complete, most impressive fugue state ever documented, he started a brand new life of eternal winter, never again to think of his abandoned condo, which will enjoy the rest of eternity in unoccupied delight, the quietude so thorough and rapturous as to render its breath a contented sigh, breezing through the vents in a barely audible whisper that smells like apples, cinnamon, and unparalleled bliss.


Please don’t question our rendition of The Americano’s downfall. It’s all been confirmed by camera footage and eyewitness accounts. But if you still have doubts, just remember this:


He drank Americanos, for fuck’s sake. Americanos.

 

Sophie Kearing is a writer of long tweets and short fiction. Her work has been featured by Popshot Quarterly, Isele Magazine, Litro UK, Ellipsis Zine, Lumiere Review, and other publications. She’d love to connect with you on Twitter @SophieKearing.

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